Ever feel like you were swimming against the pull in a world meant for instantaneous bonds and sickeningly rapid swipes? If you nodded and said “yes,” welcome to the club, because there are tons of people who relate. In this week’s post, we explore the world of demisexuality — a concept that is somewhat difficult to understand yet can be crucially important.
Demisexuality, a sexual orientation that means people only feel sexually attracted after forming a strong emotional connection. It’s not a matter of being choosy or holding people to unattainable standards; for some, attraction works differently. In this article, we will see the basic elements of demisexuality, how it is different from emotional attraction and also debunk a few popular myths while we are at it.
What Is Demisexuality?
Why not begin with a little exploration of definition of demisexual. From asexual (no sexual attraction), to allosexual (frequently sexually attracted). In between lies demisexuality, a form of asexuality.
However, with demisexuals, it does not start with just a charming smile and rocking body. Instead, it is the deeper emotional connection which ignites the flame of lust. This does not mean, however, that demisexuals do not enjoy/genuinely like the way humans look or have sex — it merely means that they are more romantically, sexually attracted to the person in connection with intimacy or an emotional bond.
Demisexuality is not the same as other orientations so it’s important to point out. Someone who is pansexual, may be attracted to people regardless of gender, asexuals just don’t experience sexual attraction at all, and demisexuals only feel sexually attracted to someone once a deep emotional bond has been established.
Emotional-Based Attraction: The Heart of Demisexuality
In the most basic sense, demisexuality is strictly emotion-based attraction. For demisexuals, trust, intimacy, and bonding are the little sparks that cook up into sexual desires. Not all connections to besties will translate into unconscious sex vibes, but the awareness is built when emotional bonds are secured.
These affections can be anything. A deep friendship might turn into romantic and sexual attraction for a few demisexuals. The feeling of erotic interest could arise after the connection has reached a romantic point for some people. Human sexuality is a reminder to us all, they say.
It’s equally as critical to outline the differences between romantic and sexual attraction. For example, it’s possible for a demisexual person to feel romantic attractions more easily than sexual attractions. They may even develop feelings for someones personality long before they ever feel any sexual desire.
Signs You Might Be Demisexual
If any of the points below apply to you, you could be demisexual:
- You barely feel sexually aroused by total strangers or actors in films.
- Your closest members of societies started as friends.
- You are on the same boat with people in their social lives before you suddenly imagine sharing such intimacy with them.
- Other people call you a “ä prude” or “old-fashioned” due to your approach to sex and dating.
- The idea of casual sex or hookups sounds distasteful to you. Remember, these are merely potential signs. Sexuality is personal to you, and you alone have the decision to make your organization.
Busting Myths About Demisexuality
Dispelling some common myths about demisexuality
Myth 1: Demisexuals are being needlessly choosy. Only a demisexual would want to be friends first.
Reality: Demisexuality isn’t about setting high standards; for many, it is simply how attraction operates.
Myth 2: I think everyone needs time to ‘get there’ in being attracted so that’s not demisexuality.
Reality: True, many people like to have some sort of emotional connection before sex with a partner, but demisexuals do not feel sexual attraction without establishing an emotional bond first.
Myth 3: “It’s just a phase.”
Really: Demisexuality is a real and persistent sexual orientation, not a passing cloud.
Navigating Relationships as a Demisexual
It can be tough to be demisexual in a world that often seems to value sexual attraction and quick encounters. Perhaps dating apps and the hook-up culture seem otherworldly to you, if not just a bit daunting. But most demisexuals have successful relationships by creating solid emotional connections.
Of course, you should always exercise open communication in relationships regardless — but this is even more important for demisexuals. Expressing your desires and limits on emotional and sexual attraction can avoid misunderstandings in developing intimate relationships.
Demisexuality in Society
The demisexual flag, respectively displaying stripes of black, white, gray, and purple blue reds as a signifier for pride and visibility. But demisexuality is often left out of discussions about sexuality in media and culture at large. Demisexuals are underrepresented in the community, which makes it more difficult for people to realize their demisexuality and embrace who they are.
This is why awareness and education right about demisexuality are crucial. With better education, an inclusive system can be established that embraces the whole spectrum of human sexuality by waving demisexual flag.
Embracing Your Demisexual Identity
If you are someone out who feels lost discovering yourself, and wonders if you may be demisexual, know that there many like you. There are online and offline communities where you can connect with others that experience the same.
Remember as well, sexuality is fluid and labels are not the be all and end all; but rather a tool helping us to understand ourselves better. Comparing demisexual vs gynosexual and references to different orientations help some people understand.
In contrast to demisexuality, where individuals feel sexual attraction only after establishing an emotional bond, gynosexuality represents the attraction to femininity regardless of the sex of the object. Learning about these distinctions, similar to the demisexual vs gynosexual comparison, can aid you in figuring out your own identity and experiences.
Resources for Demisexuals and Allies
Below are some valuable resources for further diving in:
- The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) has some information about demisexuality and other aspects.
- The Invisible Orientation by Julie Decker Sondra is great and includes demisexuality.
- Demisexual have a message board on Reddit’s r/demisexuality to connect over experiences and questions.
If you are struggling on both ends of this spectrum, talking with a well-versed and nonjudgmental therapist about diverse relationships may be helpful.
Embracing the Spectrum of Human Sexuality
Ending the discussion on demisexuality, I trust you more than ever realize how gloriously intricate human sexuality is. Asexual and allosexual, demisexual to gynosexual — each orientation is another thread in the texturing of human experience.
Respecting and honoring other sexual orientations, whether demisexuality or not, isn’t tolerance but a celebration of the many relationships that blossom between people. But we all have to be Trevor here and there, so in the end we are all better off if we widen our definition of love.