In a society that frequently feels very obsessed with sex, there are people who fail to find any sexual attraction. This is a primer to the world of Asexuality identity — a sexual orientation that’s as varied and real as any other, but frequently trivialized or ignored altogether.
What Does It Mean to Be Asexual?
Asexuality is not celibacy by choice, and it doesn’t stem from a fear of intimacy. A sexual orientation of having an absence of sexual feelings or desires. In a similar sense to how heterosexual people are attracted to the other gender, and homosexual people are attracted to their same gender, an asexual just does not feel any sexual attraction at all.
This is where things start to get interesting — and also where a lot of confusion comes in. There is a lot of diversity in asexual reproduction definition and as many experiences that fall under its umbrella. So let us look at different flavors of being asexuality
- Aromantic Asexual: They may form strong friendships, but not seek romantic relations.
- Romantic Asexual: These people are romantically inclined yet do not experience sexual attraction.
- Grey-Asexual (or Grey-A): This means a person rarely or only somewhat/in specific circumstances feels sexually attracted to other people
- Demisexual: This involves feeling sexual attraction only once they have formed a strong emotional connection to another person.
Remember, asexuality is not about actions but attractions. Some asexuals may unwilllingly live with sex if they feel that their partner needs it, or that this is believed to be the only way of having children, etc. Some of us just sulk off to the kids or work, avoiding sex at all costs. It could be true, but not one-size-fits-all.
Busting Myths: What Asexuality Isn’t
Beyond that, there are a lot of misunderstandings around productivity.
- Asexuality is not celibacy or abstinence it is a sexual orientation, which means you were born this way.
- Asexuality is not a disease or a phase that can be “fixed.” It is simply another sexual orientation.
- Asexual people can be romantically or emotionally connected to someone and have very fulfilling relationships: Because it is a myth that if you are ace you will never feel the love of another human being, when in fact many asexual people experience intense long-term emotional and/or romantic partnerships.
- Asexuality does not come from trauma or fear: Some individuals may avoid sexual interactions as a consequence of traumatic experiences, but asexuality is merely another variation of human sexuality.
Living in an Allosexual World
Imagine being raised in a world where everyone is incredibly preoccupied with this one thing that you could not wrap your head around. For many asexuals, that is their experience in our hyper-sexualized culture. From rom-coms to ads, it shouts: we should feel sexually attracted to one another, and that norm is the key to true happiness.
For a lot of asexuals, that can translate into feelings of confusion, isolation or even self-doubt. “Am I broken?” A question many asexuals have asked themselves before coming to that conclusion. And that is why representation, and being seen, and learning are so important.
The good news? Asexuals are starting to become more visible in media, with television shows like” BoJack Horseman” and “Sex Education“” ensuring they get the representation they deserve. We owe the recent surge in awareness and support to books, podcasts, online communities.
Navigating Relationships as an Asexuality
Despite pervasive stereotypes, asexual people do find and maintain close relationships. This can be romantic partnerships, or this could be close friendships, or anything of that nature. As in any relationship, the key is communication.
When you are in a relationship as an asexual person with a non-asexual/allosexual partner, both you and your partner must set boundaries and clear expectations. This might mean talking about:-
- Touch: What kinds of touch feel okay?
- Emotional well-being: How do both individuals feel wanted and cared for?
- What can we compromise to safely and respectfully meet both partners needs?
Unique to your relationship, so keep that in mind. Asexual in a relationship is not wrong, it’s just what you and your partner(s) can make work.
Mental Health and Asexuality: Embracing Your Identity
It must be incredibly draining to fight against a world that refuses to understand or even validate what you go through. All too often, asexuals express that they felt “broken” or believed they were doing something wrong before coming across the term. Which is why getting support and finding your community is crucial.
If you are reading this and identifying as questioning or grappling with your asexual identity, just know:
You are not broken.
No, really, your feelings are valid.
The Internet is full of a wealth of resources and people who are just waiting to support you.
Finding an LGBTQIA+ affirming therapist can help create a space to process those feelings while building self-acceptance.
Allies in Action: Supporting the Asexuality Community
Support the Community- If you are not asexual but want to support the community, here is how you can be an amazing ally.
Learn about it: Educate yourself on asexuality and read what the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) has to say on the subject.
Listen and believe: If a person comes out to you as asexual, accept them at their word. Do not try to fix or change them
Correct Misconceptions: When you are privy to misinformation about asexual meaning or whether it exists, sway in and right the record.
Though nobody else is you, and you can do what you want as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, of course. Respect the boundaries: don’t try and pressure asexual people into sex or relationships with them that they’re not comfortable with!
Asexual representation: Advocate for media and LGBTQIA+ spaces to feature asexual diversity.
Embracing the Spectrum of Human Sexuality
And finally — having explored so many permutations of asexuality with all who shared their experiences for us — let’s remember that human sexuality is just infinitely varied. There’s a range of experiences from allosexual to asexual, heteroromantic to aromantic.
So, to all the questioning aces out there, or newbies to this space asexuals that are just looking, you matter as well. You are worthy of love, respect and understanding whether you prefer men to women or neither.
So here’s to human diversity and the adventures of life! So let us make a world where understanding and appreciation of every orientation. But isn’t that what real acceptance is about anyway?
Want to Learn More? Further Resources
- Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)
- The Trevor Project (support for LGBTQIA+ youth)
- “The Invisible Orientation” by Julie Sondra Decker (book)
Just remember; no matter where you find yourself on the spectrum of sexuality, you are valid, people see you, and most importantly — You are not alone.
